Gleaming Moments

Motherhood has its moments.

Like when I am forced to cook dinner with Shane attached to one leg while trying to open the oven door with his hand not tugging my pants down around my ankles.

Or when Bobby chooses to throw a screaming fit during my powerwalk, where I am forced to push him at high speed and am at least fifteen minutes away from home.

These are the grisly, everyday moments and people who read about them and are completely terrified to take the plunge into parenthood usually go running for the hills. An example: a well meaning writer who reviewed the new magazine total180! on salon.com a few weeks back. She said the stories of stay at home sainthood made her terrified to start a family.

But there are those gleaming moments buried in the monotony, the crying spells, and the sheer labor of it all. Like the moment when Bobby comes running towards Shane's room first thing in the morning, and says in his chirpiest voice:

"Good morning, Shaney Brainy. Hello, mommy's little binky bear. Wanna play with Bobby, my little binky bear?"

My heart just wants to melt out of its body.

And this moment now, with both boys breathing heavily in their beds, quiet and safe. I realize, for the first time in days, weeks even, I haven't yelled at the boys or pulled out my hair from the craziness of life with two toddlers. Today was actually ok. No major bruises or tears or screaming fits. Just a lot of play and hugs and even a whispered "I love you, mama" as I turned out Bobby's light.

Now that is a gleaming moment.

Motherhood isn't all terror...maybe it is a terrible, all consuming beauty, doused with some hideous moments of uncertainty, confusion, even desperation. But I am always set back on the ground when I'm flying too out of control with emotions, by a simple phrase from Bobby or an adoring, if wordless glance from Shane.

This Preschool is Closed

Ahhh, optimism. This time of year it really does get the best of me. So far, my resolutions are wilting along with my go for it attitude. The strict exercise regimen has been exchanged for stealing every last possible second in bed until my husband leaves for work and I actually have a household to run. Ha.

Another case in point: my whole preschool prototype I thought would work miracles on my home life. I figured life would run smoother if I borrowed from my days as a recreation teacher and scheduled my boys' days by the hour. Free play in the morning, dressed by 9am, outdoor play if weather permits, art and cooking projects, blah blah blah. Well, the structure of my preschool seems to be groaning.

I mean, really, what was I thinking exactly? This is NOT a school, but a house, that is run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with sparse holidays when the grandparents take the boys on a whim. Of course (most) preschools have some semblance of order. The teachers only work eight hour days, if that, then get to send the little rugrats back home. So not the case in my household.

I have lowered my standards for this would be school. Instead of scheduling by the hour, I'm aiming for the day. Like, Fridays are library day. This means Bobby throws an exponential temper tantrum as soon as we walk through the sliding doors and I slap the overdue books that he hasn't bothered looking at in days anyway on the returns runway. Then, Shane bolts for the wooden puzzle pieces and bangs them with the force of a teenager onto the mini-tables. Then Bobby gets reprimanded by me, then the librarian, for screaming or running along the aisles. Then, Shane pulls down the enormous globe on the librarians desk. Then, Bobby starts banging the keys on the computer keyboards. Then, the mothers of the mellow children who actually sit on the couches and page through crusty books give me the look, you know, the one of admonishment. Tsk, tsk, and all that. And this is all withing twenty minutes. I won't even go into the meltdown that plays out in the parking lot when it is time to leave...

Hmmm, seems I got distracted there for a minute.

Oh, the daily schedule. Friday-Library, then the boys get to watch a full length movie that they checked out. It seems a fair balance to me, being that I am completely exhausted after the excursion out into the threatening public where my boys are so intent on wreaking havoc. You would think I keep them locked in cages at home, the way they take off running away from me.

Well, in all honesty, I only have one themed day. The rest are just checks on the calendar, one step closer to the weekend where I'll have my right-hand man at home to help me out.

So farewell to optimism, I've fallen back to my reality and it isn't even February yet.

A Day in the Life...

If you have no idea what the heck this is all about, go to http://www.mommiesmagazine.net/news/123
and read this week's At Home Havoc column.

Day 1

Bobby crawls into bed just after 5am. Yikes! Not a good start to the preschool day.

6:20am. The would-be teacher drags her butt out of the warm bed to hit the elliptical machine for some New Years inspired exercising.

6:40. Ahh coffee and a shower. The old one-two combo to survive a morning of toddler mayhem.

7:40 Bye bye Daddy. Boys up and enjoying the hot wheels on the train table. No major fights as of yet.

8:00 Breakfast of ‘baby pancakes’ as Bobby calls them, and fruit cocktail. And they actually eat content at the table for a good fifteen minutes. Bobby even asks for seconds. Could this possibly avert the sporadic snacking throughout the day?

8:30-9:00 Breakfast clean up. Mommy sets up a Little People village on the train table and dresses the boys. Promises of a field trip to the library if only Shane will stop the teething crying and constant drooling.

9:00-9:45 Fifteen minutes of story time on the couch while Shane scrambles up and over the book, almost falls to the floor on his head, then is furious because I won’t let him straddle the arm of the couch. Bobby pissed that his brother is interrupting the story.

10:00-11:00 Library chaos. Shane shoving crusty wood puzzle pieces onto his swollen gums the moment I turn around to grab Bobby from stealing a book from another unsuspecting toddler. All in all, a successful trip. No huge tantrums or mama dramas. Bobby actually gets into his car seat without protest.

11:30 Lunch of chicken nuggets, corn and grated cheese (don’t ask) with a globby mixture of ketchup and ranch for dip. Boys rubbing their eyes.


12:00 Diaper changes (Bobby refuses to try potty once again, big surprise there), milkie, and a group snuggle with the train library book. Then it’s off to bed for BOTH of the boys. Mommy uses veiled bribery to get Bobby to take a nap (we get to bake muffins if he takes a nap. There is our cooking/science curriculum!)

12:50 Mama gets to finish reading the paper and move files around on the computer, then check email when she should be doing lunch dishes and straightening the chaotic living room, and doing laundry.

1:48 Somebody tear me away from the computer. I think the laundry is getting moldy! Is that a Shane cry I’m hearing?

2:00 Shane is out and about. Would-be teacher is cleaning clutter and doing dishes to get ready for the great muffin bake off.

3:00 Bobby zooms out of the room grinning, claiming he’s going to bake a muffin patch. First video of the day for Shane to keep him out of the way (Baby Einstein), and Bobby and Mama get to work on cracking eggs, mixing flour, and squeezing lemons.

4:00 Mmmm, Mama and both boys snack on fresh baked lemon poppyseed muffins. Back to the train table with blocks, hot wheels, and trains.

5:15 Daddy home and Mama officially calls the preschool day over. Boys play, Mommy cooks dinner and all fall into bed by 8:00. What a day!

First day was promising. At Pollard Preschool we covered: reading, science (muffins), table toys (trains, cars, etc.). TV log for the boys: 45 minutes...yay!

ALAS....

That was what you would call a false start, or maybe a false positive. Bobby has not napped at the scheduled nap time since Day 1 (it is now Day 9). Shane continues to cut evil white daggers out of his swollen gums, which possesses him with a demonic whine that lasts ten hours a day (if you add it all up). Neither boy has slept through the night. Mama has not gotten out of bed before the boys, due to the cruel amount of sleep deprivation, and is resorting to coffee binges and several "WHY ME!!!" rants throughout the day.

Coming next week...

Toddler Boot Camp.

A Better Mama

Resolution fever has overtaken my brain this past week. I'm always a sucker for self improvement, lists of goals and objectives, and loads of pensive thoughts about where my life is going. Of course I have all the standard ones I have every year... lose some weight and exercize, drink less, write more, and on and on. You'll be scared to know I actually downloaded a free goal setting workbook online (www.higherawareness.com) and I am actually working through the twenty plus pages while the boys battle it out over the train table. I came to a few conclusions that can only mean...I have a higher awareness. (HEE HEE)

1. I need to take better care of myself or the whole family ship could go down.

2. The thing I want most for 2006 is to be a better mom.

Now, I know I am a good mom. I think it is pretty easy to be a good mom. I'm striving to be better and here is why: better is more elevated, and to me, it implies that I will constantly be improving my skills and my relationships with my little guys. I vow to work on my patience (no eye rolling behind Chops's back when he wrecks his train tracks and demands I fix them immediately,or when Bubba's steady whine and leg cling-on tactics are going into their 11th hour). I vow to be more playful, to get on the floor more with the boys, to let them run free outside rather than have their brain's dulled by way too much television.

Now, I'm not aiming for the best or the most perfect mama. I want to work for something I know that I can do. I can be a better mama and they deserve a better mama. Hopefully, as I become better, they can do the same. (I'm referring to Bobby's charade at the park today where he took off running after a pack of wild boys on scooters and ran right for the street. I wish HE was old enough for New Year's resolutions, because he would most certainly be vowing to be a better listener to his frazzled mother.)

Check out my Mommies Magazine column coming out next week for my newest strategy...get ready, boys, for preschool to come to our house!